


Trust Issues

by Mystique6



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Fisting, Anal Sex, Azkaban, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bisexual Sirius Black, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Butt Plugs, Come as Lube, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dubious Morality, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Finger Sucking, First Time, Hand Jobs, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lube, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mildly Dubious Consent, No Lube, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sleepy Cuddles, Spit As Lube, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-21 07:17:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4820201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystique6/pseuds/Mystique6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus and Sirius' friendship is strained and put to the test after Sirius' prank on Severus. When the two do seem to patch things up their relationship changes. But trust remains a constant struggle between them as the years go by. Will they make it or will their relationship be destroyed completely?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I have this fic over on fanfiction.net so if it looks familiar that's why. I'll say the same thing I said over there. This will not be updated regularly. I'm in college and I don't have time for the fics that are on my writing schedule let alone ones that are just folly, like this one. I will update it only when I can. If you really like this fic take comfort in the fact that as I finish up a fanfic on my schedule this one could always take its place. So there's my warning. Please read though. And please leave a review. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing from Harry Potter. All rights belong to the amazing J.K. Rowling.

          It had been two weeks since Sirius’ prank on Snape and none of his friends were speaking to him. Peter and James at least let him eat with them and tag around the school with them during the day, but Remus was avoiding him completely. Sirius knew he deserved it. He knew that his prank had deeply hurt Remus, but still, after two weeks he’d thought at least James would have been talking to him. Sighing, he tossed his last piece of toast on his plate and slumped in his seat at the Gryffindor table.

          “You needn’t look so sorry for yourself,” James said coolly. “It’s your own fault no one’s talking to you.”

          “I know that,” Sirius said meekly. “It was just supposed to be a joke.”

         James raised an eyebrow at him. “A joke?” he snorted. “That ends with one person dead and two lives destroyed? Great punchline, Sirius.”

        “I didn’t think about that,” Sirius admitted and stared pleadingly at James. “You know how I get when I’m angry. Snivellus kept pestering me about where Moony disappeared every month. I had to teach him a lesson about prying into other people’s business.”

        “Yeah, and now he knows about Remus,” James replied angrily. “The last person on earth we wanted to know about his secret knows. Because of you.”

        “He can’t tell anyone,” Sirius said defensively. “Dumbledore forbade him from telling anyone. He won’t disobey Dumbledore.”

        “He won’t tell anyone about Remus being a werewolf, but nothing’s stopping him from claiming Remus is something else,” James replied.

        “What do you mean?” Sirius asked.

        “Snape is telling everyone Remus is a poof,” James told him.

        “A what?!” Sirius cried shocked. “A poof. It means he’s…”

        “I know what it means,” Sirius cut James off. “But that’s ridiculous! Remus isn’t some fairy! Snape has no right to say that about Remus. Are people actually believing this nonsense?”

         James shrugged. “The Slytherins do,” his friend replied. “I hexed three of them yesterday for ganging up on Remus.”

         “It’s probably why he’s skipping breakfast,” Peter cut in. “He’s avoiding the gossip about him.” Sirius glanced at the empty seat Remus usually sat in and then sagged forward in his seat until his forehead touched the table, ashamed of what he’d done. He only looked up when he heard a plate set down next to his head. He looked up at the plate of toast and then over at James who was looking at him with the first hint of forgiveness in his eyes.

        “Why don’t you bring him that toast?” James suggested. Sirius nodded and took the plate before rushing to Gryffindor Tower. He yelled the password at the Fat Lady and dashed through the common room and up to the stairs to the dormitory he shared with the other Marauders. Remus was sitting on his bed looking morose. He glanced at Sirius when he burst in, scowled, and turned away. Sirius tried not to let it bother him and approached his friend’s bed. “I brought you some breakfast,” he said hopefully. “It’s toast.”

         “I’m not hungry,” Remus replied stiffly ignoring the plate Sirius was holding out for him.

        “Of course you are!” Sirius disagreed. “You missed dinner last night. You must be starved by now.” When Remus didn’t reply or take the plate Sirius’ shoulders slumped. “Moony…”

        “Don’t!” Remus said sharply turning to glare at him. “You don’t get to call me that. Not anymore. Not after what you did.”

        “I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered. “I didn’t think…”

         “And that’s the problem, Sirius. You never do,” Remus snapped. Sirius lowered his eyes, unable to hold his friend’s gaze. But as his eyes lowered from Remus’ face he caught sight of a bruise peeking out from the collar of Remus’ too large robe. Impulsively, Sirius pushed the robe off. He sucked in his breath when he saw Remus’ torso covered in dark, purple bruises.

         “Where did you get these?” Sirius asked in a shake voice.

         A panicked look flitted across Remus’ face before he arranged it into an indifferent expression. "The last transformation,” he answered harshly. “Thanks to your prank I spent the full moon alone. The wolf took it out on me.”

         Sirius knew he was lying. Madam Pomfrey would have healed any injury Remus bestowed upon himself, but even if she hadn’t these bruises were too new. “You’re lying,” he finally accused Remus. “Are these from yesterday?”

         “You know about yesterday?” Remus asked surprised.

         “James told me,” Sirius replied. “I can’t believe that Snivellus! Telling everyone that you’re some bloody poof! I can’t believe people are actually belie…” Sirius cut himself off when he noticed Remus squirming uncomfortably and a light blush dusting his cheeks. Realization dawned on him. “Remus, are you a…do you fancy blokes?”

          Remus flushed scarlet before fixing him with a hard glare. “Yes. Are you going to beat me up too?” he baited.

          “No, I’m your friend,” Sirius replied and ignored the angry snort from Remus. “I am surprised though.”

         “Well, it’s not every day you find out someone you know is gay,” Remus remarked bitterly.

         “No, not about that,” Sirius said dismissively. “That you’re as beat up as you are. James implied that he got there in time.”

         “He did,” Remus replied. “He got there before they could…” He didn’t finish the sentence.

         Sirius felt dread wash over him. “Before they could what?” he questioned.

         “Nothing,” Remus answered quickly. Too quickly.

         Sirius could tell he wasn’t telling him something. “Before they could what, Remus?” he asked again, and then a horrific thought burst into his head. He paled. “Did they…did they rape you?”

          “No!” Remus cried. “I mean…I don’t know. They never, well, they didn’t get all the way. Just fingers…”He was cut off by the sound of a plate crashing. “Sirius?”

          Sirius sank to his knees. “I’m sorry,” he choked around the tears in his throat. “I’m so sorry.”

          “Sirius?” Remus questioned, shocked to see tears welling up in the pureblood’s eyes.

          “It’s my fault!” Sirius cried guiltily. “They hurt you because of me. If I hadn’t told Snape how to get past the Womping Willow…” He shook his head, covering his face with his hands. “No wonder you won’t forgive me. I don’t blame you for hating me.”

          “Sirius, no!” Remus exclaimed sharply. He gripped under Sirius’ arms and lifted him onto the bed. He pulled Sirius’ hands away from his face, forcing him to look at him. “I don’t hate you, Sirius. I’m mad as hell at you, but I don’t hate you.”

          “You should,” Sirius whispered morosely. “It’s my fault that Snape told the Slytherins you’re gay. It’s my fault they…they hurt you.”

          Remus sighed. “I don’t blame you for what those prats did the other day or for Snape telling everyone about me,” he said firmly. “I’m mad at you because you used me. We’re supposed to be friends, but you used me like it was nothing. Like I meant nothing to you.”

          “You do, Moon…Remus. You mean so much,” Sirius said urgently. “I didn’t mean…I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

          Remus’ glare softened and he sighed. “I know you are, Sirius. I know,” he replied.

         “But that isn’t enough, is it?” Sirius whispered.

        “Not this time,” Remus said.

         They sat quietly for a minute before Sirius stood up and handed Remus his school bag. “Well, let’s get to class,” he sighed. “If we hurry we might get to Transfiguration on time.”

         Remus fiddled with the zipper on his bag. “I don’t know if I’m going today,” he said quietly.

         “Hiding won’t help, Remus,” Sirius told him gently. Remus didn’t say anything, just continued to worry at the zipper. Sirius hesitantly laid a hand on his shoulder. Remus stiffened but didn’t shrug it off. After a moment he glanced up at Sirius. “No one’s going to touch you, okay? James, Pete, and I won’t let anyone near you.”

         “Okay,” Remus relented and slipped the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

        They managed to get to Transfiguration just in time, and slid into their respective seats. James was trying to get Sirius’ attention, probably to ask whether he and Remus had made up, but he pretended to be busy looking for his notes until Professor McGonagall called the class to attention. For the first time in his life Sirius was relieved when all the professor did was lecture. He didn’t want to talk to James about how he’d failed to make up with Remus. About how Remus didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. With that thought in mind Sirius suddenly slumped down in his seat until his head landed on his arms on his desk. He stopped paying attention to what McGonagall was saying.

         “Mr. Black,” a sharp voice sounded nearby. “Mr. Black.” A sharp poke from James made him lift his head up, and he blinked a few times to clear his vision. Professor McGonagall was glaring at him from the front of the room.

         “What?” he asked confused, his voice thick, as if he had a cold.

         To his surprise a flicker of concern flashed across McGonagall’s face. “Mr. Black,” she repeated again. “Are you not feeling well?” Sirius took the question into consideration. His eyes were watering, his stomach felt as if it were in knots, he couldn’t stop shaking. His eyes wandered towards Remus who was looking at him in concern and he suddenly felt nauseous. His eyes snapped back to McGonagall and he shook his head.

        “No,” he replied. “Actually, I feel awful.”

        Professor McGonagall nodded. “Well then take your things and go see Madam Pomfrey,” she ordered. “I’m sure one of your friends will let you borrow their notes later.”

        “You can copy my notes, mate,” James said clapping a hand on his shoulder.

         Sirius felt bile rise to his throat at the declaration of friendship. He didn’t deserve it. He swallowed the bile back down and nodded his head. “Thanks,” he choked out stuffing his notes back in his bag and rushing out of the classroom. He didn’t go to the infirmary, however. Instead he ran back to Gryffindor Tower and up to his dormitory. He went straight for his bed, dumping his bag in the middle of the room, and after pulling the curtain closed landed face down in his pillows where he let the tears finally fall. It wasn’t until lunch that someone, presumably James with his notes, entered the dormitory. Sirius heard the person walk towards his bed and pull back the curtains.

         “Sirius,” the person said, and he tensed when he realized it was Remus and not James. He kept his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. He heard Remus sigh. “Sirius, I know you’re not asleep.” Sirius still didn’t respond, but almost jumped when he felt the added weight of Remus on the mattress and a comforting hand on his back. “I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong,” Remus told him. “I do still want to be friends. But right now I’m too angry. What you did was…well, it’s bigger then you just landing us in detention, alright? So, yeah, right now I can’t forgive you, but I will someday. Just give me some time, okay?” Sirius nodded his head and Remus moved his hand up to his shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

           “Now, why don’t you come down to lunch?” Remus suggested.

         “Not hungry,” Sirius croaked. He could practically see Remus raise an eyebrow, even though he wasn’t brave enough to look at his friend.

        “Really?” Remus asked him. “Because James said you didn’t eat much at breakfast.” When Sirius didn’t reply he sighed and stood back up. “You have to come down for dinner then Sirius. Or I’ll drag you to Madam Pomfrey myself.” Sirius jumped when Remus tossed a bag onto his bed and rolled over to stare up at him. Remus looked relieved. “You can copy my notes for Transfiguration and Herbology. You can thank me by coming to dinner.”

        “Okay,” Sirius replied meekly. Remus smiled weakly at him before hurrying out of the dormitory. Sirius watched him go hoping that one day soon Remus would actually forgive him.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything from the Harry Potter Universe. All rights go to the talented and wonderful J.K. Rowling.

         Remus was trudging up to Gryffindor Tower grumbling about missing dinner. He was going up to his dorm room with the intent of finding and forgiving Sirius. But, although his feelings had softened towards Sirius in the week since he told Sirius to give him some time, he was still angry with him. Every time he started to feel like he was ready to let Sirius back in he’d remember how hurt he’d been by Sirius’ prank, how Sirius had used him so easily, and his heart would be hardened. He wasn’t quite ready to forgive Sirius yet. Everyone else, however, was ready to put the incident behind them and were pressuring him to let Sirius off the hook.

         It had been easy to keep shutting Sirius out when James and Peter were backing him up, but his two friends had taken pity on the other marauder. James and Peter had spent the week practically begging Remus to make up with Sirius. “He’s sorry” they told him. Remus knew Sirius was sorry, but that didn’t change how he felt. He told them the same thing he’d Sirius a week ago, that sometimes sorry wasn’t enough. Anyway, he’d been able to resist James and Peter pleas, but they weren’t only ones urging to call a truce. Today after Transfiguration Professor McGonagall had asked him to make things right with Sirius. Remus would like to believe that McGonagall only cared because Sirius had missed class three days, but he knew she actually cared about her students. How could he say no to her?

          So now he found himself making his way up the stairs to his dormitory to end Sirius’ misery. And he had been miserable. After last Friday when they’d spoken Sirius had spent his time moping around Gryffindor Tower and looking sadly off into space. He hadn’t spoken to anyone, not even James, who had apparently forgiven his best friend. After Monday, Sirius stopped going to class. He spent the entire day in their dormitory with the curtains to his bed drawn shut. Sirius never kept his curtains closed. The rest of the marauders slept with the bed curtains shut, but Sirius left them open. It was never a good sign when he had them drawn shut. They were still closed when Remus finally entered the dormitory.

          Remus sighed and strode over to Sirius’ bed and drew back the curtains. He blinked in surprise to see his fellow marauder was not there. Puzzled, he let the curtains fall back into place and pondered where to look for Sirius. He first went up to the Astronomy Tower. Sirius often went there when he was angry or upset, but there was no sign of him there when Remus climbed up to the tower. Remembering that Sirius hadn’t been coming to meals he decided to check the kitchens for him. After all, Sirius had to have eaten something since Monday. He didn’t have any luck at the kitchens though. The house elves told Remus Sirius hadn’t been down since Wednesday all the while pushing treats at him. Remus had taken them with the intention of shoving the food down Sirius’ throat when he did find him.

          Remus wandered out of the castle and searched the grounds for Sirius, even stopping in at the Shrieking Shack, but he didn’t find him. As a latch ditch attempt he’d run down to Hagrid’s hut and asked him if he’d seen his old friend. Hagrid and answered in the negative though, and to further Remus’ annoyance had commented he was glad that Remus was going to bury the hatchet. He’d had to grit his teeth to stop himself from shouting that he didn’t want to forgive Sirius yet, he was just doing it because everyone else wanted him to that he was even bothering to lay down his arms, and that for once he’d wish people would stand by him.

         The trip to Hagrid’s was his last attempt to search for his old friend. Having missed dinner completely he decided to go straight to the library to get some homework done. It would be better than going to the common room and having James and Peter pester him about Sirius. Madam Pince nodded hello to him as he entered the library and headed straight to his favorite spot, a couch stuffed into the back corner of the library. Hardly anyone came so far back there and he could get his work done in peace. However, when he walked out from behind the last section of bookcases he was stunned to see Sirius curled up on his couch.

         “Sirius?” he questioned, shocked.

         Sirius looked morosely up at him as he rose to a sitting position. “Sorry. I didn’t know you’d be coming here,” he said woodenly and started to stand up.

        “Stop,” Remus ordered rushing over to the couch. “Don’t get up. I’ve been looking for you actually. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

       To his shock Sirius visibly deflated. “Oh,” he murmured. “It’s okay. I get it. You can’t forgive me. You don’t have to tell I don’t deserve you’re forgiveness.” He went to stand up again, but Remus gently shoved him back down.

        Sitting down next to Sirius he threw an arm around his shoulder. “Just the opposite, Sirius,” Remus told him. “I came to let you off the hook.”

        Sirius stared at him unblinkingly for a moment. “Why? What I did was unforgivable,” he whispered. Remus felt his heart squeeze at the desolate tone in Sirius’ voice. He was still angry at him, and he wasn’t really ready to forgive him yet, but he could see clearly why everyone else was pushing him into it. The Sirius sitting next to him now was so different from his normal self that it was scary. He squeezed Sirius’ shoulders comfortingly.

       “Not unforgivable, Padfoot,” Remus replied. “I know how you get when you get angry. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” Sirius still didn’t look convinced, and Remus sighed. “It’s okay, Sirius. I forgive you.”

       “We can be friends again?” Sirius asked hopefully.

       Remus smiled warmly at him. “Yes,” he assured him and pat him on the back. “Now, the house elves told me you haven’t eaten since Wednesday. Is that correct?”

       Sirius flushed slightly. An odd look on the usually reckless teen. “I didn’t feel like eating,” he admitted quietly.

       Remus rolled his eyes. “You are such a drama queen,” he sighed and stood up, pulling Sirius to his feet with him. “The elves gave me some snacks. Let’s go share them with Pete and James, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and please review.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing from Harry Potter. All rights belong to J.K. Rowling

          Sirius woke up a week later more excited than a kid on Christmas. It was the first full moon since the prank and Sirius was determined to make it a good one to make up for ruining things last time. He was also hoping it would get things back to normal. Things were still a little tense between him and Remus. Sirius noticed it in the stiffening of Remus’ shoulders when he approached him, and although the werewolf spoke to him as often as he had before, the conversation seemed a little forced. Even more upsetting to Sirius was the fact that Remus refused to be alone with him. Every time the two found themselves without James or Peter or other Gryffindor students Remus would make an excuse about needing to go to the library. Sirius was determined to fix all this, and making this full moon a good one was the way to do it in his mind.

          Bounding out of bed, Sirius rushed over and hopped onto Remus, straddling over him. “Wake up!” he urged shaking Remus’ shoulders gently. Whiskey colored eyes slowly blinked up at him.

          “Padfoot?” Remus mumbled sleepily. “What are you doing?”

          “Being a git,” James snapped from behind his bed curtains. “Be quiet, Sirius. Some of us want another hour before we have to get up for class.”

          “Yeah!” Peter whined in agreement from his own bed.

          “Fine,” Sirius replied. “Remus and I will have a good morning without you.”

          Remus groaned. “How come I have to get up just because you’re up?” he asked.

          “Just lucky I guess,” Sirius replied shifting off of Remus so he could sit up.

          “Sirius, stop being such a tosser,” James said. “It’s the day of the full moon. You know he’s not feeling well.”

          “That’s why he has to get up,” Sirius responded.

          “Padfoot,” James warned.

          “It’s alright, Prongs,” Remus said, slowly swinging his stiff legs over the side of the bed. “Go back to sleep.” They both heard James grumble something before silence fell and then Sirius helped Remus to his feet and led him to the bathroom. He was half surprised Remus hadn’t declared he needed something from the library. Not that the library was an option at the moment. It didn’t open for another hour. Sirius had planned the morning accordingly.

           “Are we teenage girls now?” Remus grumbled. “You can’t go to the bathroom on your own?”

           “Har. Har,” Sirius replied. “You’re grumpy.”

           “Everything aches,” Remus complained leaning more heavily on Sirius.

           “You’ll feel better after soaking in a bath,” Sirius assured him.

           “Bath?” Remus questioned.

          “Right you are,” Sirius told him. “I drew it last night and out a heating charm on it to keep it warm.”

          “Wow,” Remus said. “Thanks, Sirius.”

           “Think you can get in and out on your own?” Sirius asked.

           “I’ll manage,” Remus replied. “Go shower, Padfoot.” The two went about their morning routines and had just finished up when James and Peter had started to stir.

           “You two going down to breakfast?” Peter asked yawning.

           “Yeah, but don’t look for us,” Sirius answered briskly dragging Remus out of the room. “We’ll be finished before you two come down.”

           “Yeah, but…”

           “See you in McGonagall’s, Pete,” Sirius called pulling Remus down the stairs and then out the portrait hole.

           “Sirius, please slow down,” Remus pleaded. “I can’t handle moving so fast right now.”

           “Sorry,” Sirius apologized and adjusted them to a slower pace. He stayed close to Remus so he could lean into him if he needed to.

           “Why aren’t we waiting for James and Pete at breakfast?” Remus asked. “I can keep up with you guys to get to McGonagall’s on time.”

          “I know you can,” Sirius answered him. “But you and I aren’t eating in the Great Hall. I asked the house elves yesterday if they could make French toast for you and if you and I could eat in the kitchen.”

          “The kitchen?” Remus repeated. “Why?”

          “Well, I know all the noise and bustle in the Great Hall is overstimulating for you on Full Moon days, so I thought the kitchen would be more comfortable for you,” Sirius explained. “The house elves have promised to be quiet too.” They reached the entrance of the kitchen then and Sirius tickled the pear to let them in.

           “Good morning Master Black and Master Lupin,” the house elf, Buttons, greeted them with a whisper.

           Remus smiled. “Good morning Buttons,” he said. “I appreciate you being quiet, but you don’t have to whisper.” He looked around at the other house elves as he said it, letting them know it was okay to talk. Still, they kept quiet as they went about their work.

           “Okay,” Buttons replied smiling before grabbing Remus’ hand and dragging him over to a set up table with a full plate set on it. “Buttons has your French toast ready, sir. Buttons put cinnamon on it. Master Black said that’s the way you like it best.”

           “Thanks Buttons,” Remus said smiling at the elf and slowly sinking down into his seat. “Thanks, Sirius.”

           “No trouble, mate,” Sirius replied sitting beside his friend and watching him eat.

           Remus looked over at him after a while. “Aren’t you going to eat?” he asked.

           Sirius shrugged. “I can wait until lunch,” he told him.

           “You should eat too,” Remus urged pushing his plate towards him. “Have half if you don’t want what the house elves are serving.”

            Sirius shook his head. “It’s yours,” he insisted.

            “Yeah, but…”

            “I’ll have a piece of toast if it makes you feel better,” Sirius conceded. “Hey Buttons!”

            “Yes, Master Black?” Buttons answered.

            “Could you get me a piece of toast?” Sirius asked.

            “Right away, sir!” Buttons said.

            “Ta,” Sirius thanked her. When the elf handed her his toast he took a bite and turned to Remus. “Satisfied?”

            Remus smiled. “Yes,” he said. The two ate quietly and Sirius made sure Remus had at least half his breakfast before they made their way to McGonagall’s classroom. Even with the extra time James and Peter had beaten them there.

           “Where were you two?” James asked as they sat down.

           “We ate in the kitchen,” Remus told them.

           “Why?” Peter asked.

           “Because the Great Hall is too loud for Remus on Full Moon days,” Sirius replied.

           “How come we weren’t invited?” James asked.

           “Cuz you two are too loud,” Sirius answered.

           “You git! You’re the loudest of the group!” James cried punching Sirius on the shoulders.

           “Behave,” Remus warned them pulling his notebook out.

           Before either could reply Professor McGonagall walked in and began class. “You’ll only need your notebooks and a quill today,” she ordered the class. A few students groaned. Sirius usually would have to, but he was thankful that McGonagall always had notes on the day of the full moon. It was easier on Remus if he didn’t have to perform a lot of magic. As it is, Sirius knew taking notes was taxing enough on his friend. Remus wasn’t able to concentrate because he felt ill, and then he would become frustrated with his bad notes and fret over falling behind. Sirius kept a close eye on Remus as the class went on and he frowned when he noticed how pale he was. It looked like his friend barely had enough strength to hold himself upright in his seat. And Sirius wasn’t the only one to notice.

           “Mr. Lupin?” Professor McGonagall inquired. “If you are not feeling well you may leave to see Madame Pomfrey or rest in your dorm room.”

           Remus looked up at her. “I’m fine,” he replied weakly. “I don’t need to rest.”

           “Remus, you look like you have an appointment with the Grim Reaper,” Lily Evans said from the chair to Remus’ left. “Just go lie down.”

           “Miss. Evans is right,” Professor McGonagall declared. “There is no need for you to suffer.”

           “But, I’ll miss the notes,” Remus protested.

           “Mate, you can copy ours,” James cut in.

           “We’ll make good notes for you for each class,” Peter promised.

           Remus looked like he still wanted to argue, but a stern glare from McGonagall finally made him give in. “Okay,” he sighed. “Sorry.”

           “There is no need to apologize for being ill,” Professor McGonagall told him. Remus nodded and stood up, but he immediately swayed and started to fall to the ground. While a few of the girls in the class screamed Sirius immediately jumped up and caught Remus in his arms.

          “Remus?” Sirius gasped staring down at his friend’s face. Remus’ eyes blinked open and he blearily up at him.

          “I’m okay,” he assured him in a whisper. “The room just spun.”

          Sirius nodded and hauled Remus back up on his feet before glancing up at McGonagall who had rushed over. “Professor, is it alright if I get him to the dorm room?” he asked.

           “I think maybe you should take him to the hospital wing,” Professor McGonagall replied.

          “No, I’m alright. Really,” Remus said. “I just need to lie down.”

          Professor McGonagall nodded and looked back at Sirius. “The two of you are dismissed,” she said. Remus started to move to get his things together but Sirius pulled him back against him.

           “James and Pete will get your stuff if I don’t make it back in time,” Sirius told him. “Right mates?”

          “Sure thing,” Peter agreed immediately.

          “Yeah, we got you covered,” James added. “Feel better, mate.”

          “Thanks you guys,” Remus whispered. Sirius slowly steered him out of the classroom.

          “I was hoping with that breakfast we’d get you at least halfway through the day,” Sirius said as they started down the hall.

         “Sorry,” Remus mumbled leaning heavily against Sirius.

        “Stop apologizing,” Sirius ordered.

        They were halfway back to Gryffindor Tower when Remus finally couldn’t keep moving anymore. “Sirius, please, I’m going to…” he didn’t get any further before he hurled in the hallway.

         “Shite!” Sirius exclaimed immediately rubbing Remus’ back until his dry-heaving stopped.

        “Sorry. Sorry,” Remus murmured falling back against Sirius completely now.

        “Sh. Sh. It’s alright,” Sirius soothed pulling Remus to the wall and helping him to the floor. He turned back to the vomit covered floor and scourgified it before turning back to Remus who had his face in his hands. Sirius knelt down in front of him. “I think maybe I should take you to Madam Pomfrey. We’ll meet you at the shack when it’s time.”

         “You won’t meet me at the shack,” Remus muttered not looking up at him.

         “Course we will,” Sirius replied. “James, Pete, and I will be down there fifteen minutes after you get there.”

         “James and Peter will, but you won’t,” Remus stated.

         Sirius frowned. “Remus, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he told him.

         Remus finally looked up at him. “You’re not going to be at the shack tonight,” he said.

         “Sure I am,” Sirius assured him. “I know I screwed up last month, but why wouldn’t I be there? You’re my…”

         “What I mean is…I don’t want you at the shack tonight,” Remus interrupted.

         Sirius blinked in shock and stood up. “What?” he asked. “Why?”

        “Sirius…”

         “No! I want to know why!” Sirius cried his famous Black temper starting to sink in. “You forgave me! You told me you forgave me!”

         “I did…I do…” Remus flustered and stared up at him defeated. “It’s complicated, Sirius.”

         “Not to me,” Sirius replied angrily. “Why don’t you want me to be there? I became an animagus so I could stop you from hurting yourself and make your transformations easier.”

         “Prongs and Wormtail will be there,” Remus pointed out.

         “But the wolf likes Padfoot best,” Sirius said.

         Remus sighed. “I know, but…I don’t know if the wolf will be happy to see you whether you’re Padfoot or not,” he replied.

         “But you said you forgave me,” Sirius said again.

         “I did,” Remus stated. “I forgive you for the prank, Sirius. But that doesn’t mean I trust you.” Sirius nodded and walked off down the hall a few paces trying to force his anger back. After all, it was his fault that Remus didn’t trust him now. Stowing off the rest of his anger he turned back around and saw Remus trying to get back onto his feet.

         “What are you doing?” Sirius asked rushing over and grabbing onto Remus’ shoulders to support him.

         “Going to the hospital wing,” Remus replied.

         “By yourself?” Sirius questioned. “I don’t think so.” He moved in front of Remus and pulled one of his friend’s arms over his shoulder. “Climb up. I’ll carry you there.”

         “I don’t want to throw up on you if I’m sick again,” Remus hesitated.

         “I’ll get over it,” Sirius told him and tugged on Remus’ arm. He didn’t have to turn around and look to know that Remus had nodded his head in agreement. When Remus lifted his left leg up for him to grab Sirius hiked him up on his back in one movement and waited for a moment for him to get comfortable. “You good?”

         “Yeah, you can move,” Remus replied. Sirius walked at a slow pace to the hospital wing. He never minded carrying his friend’s weight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed and please leave a review.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Don't expect updates as quick as this one but when I heard the news of Alan Rickman's death I had to get a chapter up, even though his character is not in this chapter. So I dedicate this chapter to Alan Rickman, a great actor and the perfect Severus Snape. May he rest in peace.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Harry Potter. All rights belong to J.K. Rowling.

           A half hour after Remus had been taken to the hospital wing and patched up by Madam Pomfrey, James and Peter were allowed in to see him. Remus forced himself to stay awake so he could reassure them that he was fine. He knew they would fret over Madam Pomfrey not releasing him right away.

           “You alright, mate?” James asked standing at the foot of his bed. Peter was standing next to him. The two of them always gave Remus his space the next day. Sirius was the one who had always fussed over him. It was Sirius who’d sit on the bed and rub his back or play with his hair. Even though Remus was extremely sensitive to touch after the full moon, Sirius took care of him in a way that felt good.

           “I’m fine,” Remus said.

           “You sure?” Peter inquired. “You’re a bit banged up.”

           “Not as bad as last Full Moon,” Remus replied and all three flinched. None of them wanted to remember the last full moon. Remus had been in the hospital wing for three days. At least today Madam Pomfrey was only holding him until after lunch.

           “Well…more beat up than we’d hoped,” James said after a moment.

           “It’s fine,” Remus assured them. “I expected it. I think the next few moons are going to be rough.”

           “Padfoot won’t be happy when he comes down,” James declared.

           “Yeah, he’ll be in a right state,” Peter agreed. “He’ll be all over you when gets here.”

           Remus nodded his head and suddenly became very interested in his hands. “Actually,” he said slowly as he twiddled his thumbs, “I was hoping you could head up to the dorm and tell him not to come.”

           “What?”

           Remus glanced up to see James staring at him with a mix of surprise and anger. Remus averted his gaze from his friend’s but persisted with his request. “It’s just I’m tired and I want to sleep,” he said.

           “He’ll let you sleep. Just let him see you for a few minutes,” James replied.

            Remus looked back up at James. “But his fussing isn’t necessary and I’ll be back in our dorm room after lunch. He can see me then.”

           “Remus…”

          “We’ll tell him not to come,” Peter cut James’ protest off.

           James glanced down at Peter in surprise, but Remus smiled at him. “Thank you, Wormtail,” he said.

           “Sure. Come on,” Peter urged James. “We better start moving.” He turned and started making his way to the exit.

          James started to follow after him but paused and then turned around. “You know,” he sighed. “I didn’t agree with banning Sirius from the Shrieking Shack last night, but I understood why you didn’t want him there so I went along with it. But keeping him from seeing you when you’re hurt? I don’t understand that. You know this will hurt him. You know Sirius has this pathological need to make sure you’re okay after a full moon and keeping him away will drive him nuts.”

         “It’s just…not what I need right now,” Remus replied lamely.

          James nodded. “Well, I just hope you realize what this will do to him,” he said. “Because Sirius is going to be hurt.” Remus watched his friends leave and tried not to feel guilty. After all, it was Sirius’ fault that Remus didn’t trust him. He deserved to suffer at least a little.

 

          A few hours later and lunch had passed and Remus had trekked his way slowly back to Gryffindor Tower. He ignored the ache in his knees as he climbed through the portrait hole and into the common room. He straightened up and glanced around the room. He spotted James and Peter by the fireplace but Sirius wasn’t with them. Guilt washed over Remus. He could picture Sirius sulking by himself and it was his fault. He glanced over at the stairway before turning back to the fireplace and saw James was looking over at him, an accusatory glare on his face. Remus nodded and headed straight up the stairs. Sure enough when he walked into their room the curtains around Sirius’ bed were shut. Remus sighed and took one longing glance at his bed before trudging over to Sirius’. He paused before the closed curtains and listened for any movement behind them, but if Sirius knew he was in the room he wasn’t giving himself away.

          “Sirius,” Remus said. He got no response. Sighing, he drew back the curtains and found Sirius curled up on his side facing away from him. Once again, guilt flowed through him and he sat down on the bed next to his friend. “Sirius, come on, I know you’re awake and you can hear me.”

           Sirius didn’t roll over but he did respond. “Doesn’t matter,” he muttered. “If you don’t want to see me then I doubt you want to hear me either.”

          Remus’ eyes widened in surprise. “What are you going on about?” he asked. “I want to see you. I want to hear you.”

         “You didn’t this morning,” Sirius replied petulantly.

         “I just wanted to get some sleep,” Remus said.

         That made Sirius roll over, but only to look up at Remus with hurt filled grey eyes. “I would have let you sleep,” he implored. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

        “I’m fine,” Remus told him.

        “You’re hurt,” Sirius replied and Remus knew he was staring at the scratch dominating his forehead and the bruises spotting his jaw.

        “Barely,” Remus brushed it off. “The cut probably won’t even scar.”

        “It’s my fault,” Sirius said.

        “What?!” Remus exclaimed. “How is it your fault that I hurt myself?”

        “Because I ruined things!” Sirius cried and rolled away from his again. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to see me or be alone in the same room as me.”

        “What are you talking about?” Remus asked. “We’re alone in the room now.”

        “Only because James made you and you want to rest,” Sirius replied before saying, “If you were still mad at me why did you forgive me?”

        “I’m not still mad at you. I do forgive you,” Remus said the lie coming easier and easier to say. “It’s just going to take some time for things to get back to normal between us.” Sirius didn’t reply or turn around. Remus sighed and got up from the bed and closed the curtains before heading back to the common room to join James and Peter.

        “Is he coming down?” Peter asked.

        Remus shook his head. “He’s going to sulk this one out,” he replied. Peter gave him a sympathetic smile but James just pursed his lips and turned back to the game of wizard’s chess he and Peter had been playing. Remus watched Peter beat James twice before they went down to dinner. Sirius never joined them.

 

         Remus jolted awake to the sound of screaming. He looked frantically around the room and realized the screams were coming from Sirius’ bed.

        “Sirius!” Remus cried jumping out of bed and running towards his friend. James was already throwing back the curtains to Sirius’ bed and Peter was just behind him as he reached his friend. Sirius was tossing and turning. His black hair was plastered to his forehead and his pale skin was shiny with sweat.

        “Sirius!” James shouted shaking the boy’s shoulders. “Sirius, wake up! Sirius!”

        Sirius jerked awake with a shout and immediately began sobbing. “My fault! It’s my fault! I’m sorry, Remus! Please. I’m sorry!” Sirius begged before breaking down in sobs. The other three stilled at their friend’s declaration.

        Remus nodded his head and then cleared his throat. “Could you two give me a moment with him alone?” he asked.

        “Yeah,” James agreed immediately. He walked over to his bed and grabbed his pillow. “Come on, Peter. We’re sleeping in the common room tonight.” Peter didn’t argue and followed after James. Remus waited a moment after they left before sinking down on the bed next to Sirius. He rubbed his friend’s back until finally his sobbing calmed down into hiccoughs and then just sniffling.

        “Sirius,” Remus said finally.

        “I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”

        “I know. You’ve said,” Remus replied. “Many times.” He was trying to make Sirius laugh, but the other teen just ducked his head.

        “You don’t believe me,” Sirius whispered. Remus couldn’t argue that. He believed that Sirius was sorry that he’d upset him, but he was also sure that Sirius wasn’t sorry that he’d done it. He didn’t care about the danger he’d put Snape in, and he wouldn’t have cared if Snape had gotten hurt. Remus knew Sirius just didn’t understand the seriousness of what he did. Remus knew Sirius was just upset that Remus wasn’t playing his role in the group anymore. He was upset that Remus had put his foot down and was calling Sirius out on his selfishness. But he also knew how much Sirius needed his friends, so that’s what he would be for him.

        “I don’t trust you right now, Sirius,” Remus admitted.

        “You hate me,” Sirius whispered.

        “No!” Remus cried immediately and pulled Sirius into his arms. “I don’t hate you, Sirius. I could never hate you.”

        Sirius hiccoughed back a sob. “Promise?” he whimpered.

        “I promise,” Remus assured him stroking the boy’s sweaty hair back off of his face. They stayed that way for a while until Sirius had calmed down completely. “Do you want to tell me what your dream was about?”

        Sirius shook his head. “No,” he replied. “I don’t want to think about it.”

       “Okay,” Remus said and began to shift to the edge of the mattress. “I’m gonna go to back to bed now, okay?”

       “Will you stay here?” Sirius asked grasping onto Remus’ wrist. Remus looked down at him for a moment before settling back in. Sirius curled up against his chest and Remus wrapped an arm around the boy’s shoulders. They fell asleep that way. Together.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I had time this week to get two chapters done and here's one. I will be posting a writing schedule on my profile. If you want to check my writing progress check it out. Remember, this fic isn't on the schedule. If I get chapters for this fic done it means I can't work on the fic on my schedule at the moment. Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter. Please leave a review.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing from Harry Potter. All rights belong to J.K. Rowling.

        Sirius had a problem…and his name was Remus Lupin. It had nothing to do with the rift Sirius’ prank had caused between them. That still existed. Remus remained aloof towards him. He was never out right cold towards him, but would occasionally make a remark that was, whether intended or not, hurtful. He was also less responsive towards him in conversations. If they were together in their group everything was fine, but alone with each other Remus only gave short, terse replies. So yes, the rift between them was still a problem. But it wasn’t Sirius’ biggest problem.

        His latest catastrophe was that he was in love with his fellow marauder. He didn’t know when he feelings had gone past platonic, but he does know the exact moment he realized he had feelings for Gryffindor’s resident werewolf. They had been in McGonagall’s class and he and James had been fooling around, as per usual, when McGonagall had sharply called them to attention. Sirius had sat back up in his seat so fast he’d knocked over his inkwell, sending it straight to the floor. Remus had helped him clean up the mess while James tried to charm them out of detention. He had been unsuccessful. At one point while cleaning up the mess he’d met Remus’ gaze and had felt his heart skip a beat.

         It had all gone downhill from there. Now every time he saw Remus his heart raced until he was sure it would pound out of his chest and he felt like he was either about to fly or throw up. He had also become hyper aware of his friend. He knew every detail of Remus’ whiskey colored eyes. He could tell you about how the quietest marauder always bit his lip while studying or how he didn’t wet his toothbrush before applying the toothpaste. Silly things he had never noticed before. He knew everything there was to know about Remus.

         And the fact that he had feelings for his friend, who was a boy, terrified him. Never before had Sirius ever been interested in a man. He was notorious in Hogwarts for being a ladies man, and even with his crush on Moony he still thought women were desirable. He just didn’t know how he felt about not being as straight as he thought he’d been. And the thought of sex with a man terrified him. He had never understood why anyone would want a dick up their ass. He knew it hurt. He couldn’t imagine getting pleasure from it. Even with his new found crush on Remus he couldn’t imagine ever going that far with him. He could barely picture jacking his pal off. It wouldn’t be fair to Remus if he told him he never wanted to do that. That is…if Remus would even give him the time of day.

         Of course, that led back to the problem that Remus barely tolerated him as a friend right now. If he found out Sirius liked him as more than that he may never speak to him again. So he had tried to ignore his crush at first. He’d overcompensated in being a good friend until he had annoyed even James and Remus had snapped and shouted that he didn’t want to be around Sirius that much. That had resulted in Sirius sulking in the Astronomy Tower for a few hours before James found him and dragged him down for a quickly put together Quidditch match to cheer him up. Remus had never apologized for his comment, and Sirius switched tactics.

         He decided the only way to keep their friendship intact and let his crush run its course would be to avoid his friend for a while. It was a harder task than he’d thought. He was always with Remus. When they woke up in the morning or went to bed at night they shared the same space. They were in all the same classes together during the school day. He also knew James would eventually start to question why he wasn’t speaking to Remus and he could never tell him about his feelings for the other boy. He had no idea how James would react to finding out that he liked boys too. So in the end he ended up avoiding all three of his fellow marauders. He sat away from them in class, pairing up with their other classmates for group work. He found himself avoiding their favorite hangout spots in the castle where he might run into them or staying shut up behind the curtains of his bed. He was about two weeks into his plan now…and he was miserable.

         Currently, he was lying in bed facing the wall curled up in the fetal position. The only time he felt this lonely was when he was at Grimmauld Place. He was lost in his thoughts when he heard someone enter the room and pull back the curtains of his bed.

         “Sirius,” Remus’ soft voice called, causing Sirius to tense. He heard Remus sigh before sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Sirius, are you avoiding us because of what I said to you a few weeks ago?” Sirius shook his head. “So you’re not mad at me?” Sirius nodded. “Then, I don’t understand. Why are you locking yourself away up here?” It took everything in Sirius not to respond. He just curled up in a tighter ball.

          “Sirius, please,” Remus implored, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Tell me what’s wrong. Is this about your family? What did they say?” Sirius felt a tear leak out of the corner of his eye and drip down his face, which seemed to panic Remus. “What happened, Sirius? Let me in.”

          “Nothing!” Sirius choked back tears, sitting up. “Nothing happened.”

          “Then why are you…” Sirius didn’t let him finish. He shot up off the bed and out the door, down the stairs, through the common room, and out the portrait hole. He didn’t stop running until he reached an empty classroom. He slept there for the night.


End file.
